'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship, nothing was stirring, well, except for Drake and his scotch on the rocks. All the stockings hung by the vent with care, 'cause Death Star's an insenistive prick for a roommie. I mean, c'mon, I'm stuck with like three guys and some winged lizard-rodent for roommates, can you imagine what that does for a guy's reputation? There'll be talk that I'm...well, you know...not there's anything wrong with that, but I ain't it. I like the ladies, damnit.

It's Christmas Eve...well, eve. So of course I'm swamped in investigation gigs that've got to get done, otherwise, my little side business's gonna go belly up, and I'm out a jackpot of money.

It's damn near midnight already when I'm down to my final case. Most were just petty thefts and lost pets, and the lot. Nothing too stressful...until this one.

A missing persons report. On Christmas Eve/morning, whatever, I don't want to take the time to debate what day this is. In any event, I have to hunt down some kid, on this holiday even, and still get all my shopping down. Why do I wait 'till the last minute...besides the fact it's the first year I've ever been anywhere with a store...which reminds me, I wonder if I should buy Wiendigo anything...

Damnit, look at the time, I suppose I should get to work. As I walk out of the bar, Drake all but passes out in a pool of liquor. Man, I'd sure hate to be him around this time of year. Oy, a thought just occured to me. I sure hope he's not one of those holiday-suicidal freaks, that's one investigation I don't wanna delve into.

12:17 AM
Client's apartment
Section 17-A, Sub-division 9
Private investigator's record

"Thank goodness you came, please, come right in." the client invited.

"Gracias, ma'am." I reply as I step in. I take a quick glance over the place, and man-oh-man, is this pad Heaven. When we transported people off Earth, we obviously caught some rich folk.

The entire place is like some minature version of a Rockerfeller-styled mansion. Then I take a better glance. All over are pictures of the kid I'm supposed to be looking for. Red hair, freckless, toothy-grin with a couple missing, real cute kid.

I hear the mother clearing her throat, and as I turn around, I can tell this is going to be a long night. "Now, you can start in the kitchen and work your way upstairs. After you're done there, you can clean out the waste disposal."

"I beg your par-"

"Hush hush! Go to work, chop chop!"

"Ma'am, I think there's some misunder-"

"You bet there is! I ask for a compentant house maid, and they send me someone who wants to flap their gums all day! And what is with this get up? You look like someone just died!"

"Miss, ma'am, hold it! I'm the private investigator!"

And to my correction, I'm met with a slap to the face.

"How CRUDE! Get out! Get out this instant! Go find some prostitue hussy's privates to investigate, you cod!"

Sighing, I pull out the case file. "No ma'am, I'm the ship's private detective, I'm here to locate your missing son, Fredrick, that you hired me personally, to find."

"My son? My son is missing?"

"..."

Yep, this is gonna be a long night...

12:25 AM

After sitting down the client and explaining to her how she came into my office and hired me to find her missing son earlier this morning, several times, in fact, she finally recalled the event and we were at last getting somewhere.

"Now, when's the last time you saw Fredrick?"

"We were shopping in the plaza, and the next thing I knew, he was gone."

"Did you notice anything out of the ordinary?"

"Yes."

"And what might that have been, ma'am?"

"That my son was missing."

"Ma'am, what else out of the ordinary did you notice?"

"What?"

"Like things that didn't belong, suspiscous characters, out of the norm behavior..."

"Oh, yes, of course, there was this incredibly mismatched man. He was awful! He was wearing a plaid jacket with green pants and a yellow striped shirt, and tennis shoes, and-"

"Nonono, ma'am, was anyone skulking around, did anyone look like they'd want to take your son?" "Oh, of course, I'm sorry. Yes, yes there was."

"...And can you give me a description of this person?"

"Actually...I can't."

"Why's that?"

"Because...everyone wants my little Fredrick to keep for themselves since he's such a charming little boy!"

"..."

"Can't you arrest the entire ship and hunt down my darling Fredrick?"

"No ma'am, I can't."

"Then refer me to someone who can!"

"Ma'am, there's no one on board who can do that, it's against the cival rights of every being on this ship."

"Oh...poo..."

"Now, if we can get back to the subject at hand..."

"What might that be, again?"

"...Did you notice anytihng out of the ordinary in the plaza?"

"Yes, I noticed my son was missing."

It was about this point where I excuse myself to go into the bathroom, shut the door, dunk my head into the back of the toilet tank, and shouted obscenities until the bopper thing became loged in my throat. After drying myself off, and carefully removing the bobber thingy, I walked back into the living room and sat down.

"Now, ma'am, did you notice anything out of the ordinary," I calmly tried to ask, as calmly as one can be while grinding metallic teeth. "That wasn't your son missing."

"Now that you mention it, no, not that I can recall...except fot Ashby's having a rare fifty percent off sale-Mr. Gravedigger, where in heaven's are you going? Mr. Gravedigger? Mister Gravedigger!"

12:36 AM
Vagabonds' shopping Plaza
Deck 37, Floor 6

After the heroining ordeal with my client and utter lack of any sort of concrete clues towards this mystery (and my storming out...cough.), I decide to fall back on a source that I can never go wrong with. "Why 'ello dere, Mr. 'digger, what can ol' Doby do fo' his favorite customer now, no?"

"I need info, Doby."

"But what good 'tis info on an empty bellah, oui?"

"C'mon Doby, I haven't got time for-"

"SIT DOWN."

Shutting my trap, I obediantly sit.

"Dat'sa good Replah-fellah. Now, what can ol' Doby git for ye, eh?"

Sometimes, I swear Doby's the most convulted mixture of ethnic sterotypes rolled into one freakish being. "I'll take the Shamrock calizone gumbo, Doby." Trust me, it's as bad as it sounds, even for a Reploid...

"Ah, gratzi, gratzi! That'a be a good choice dere, Mr. 'Diggah!"

As I sit and wait for my imitation food, I scope out the plaza activity. There doesn't seem to be anything out of the norm...even with those two people having sex in the founta-Oh my God, I didn't think anyone could bend like that, how can-

"Here be de specialality of de house, Mis-tah 'Dignah!"

"Oh...goodie...looks delisc..." I'd orginally planned not to eat the thing, but then I notice Doby hanging around. Good God, he actually expects me to eat it. Guess you can't insult the chef.

"Guhh...sh'uh gah, Hoblwee..." I manage to burble out, I think my tongue's rotting...

"Aw, now that's a goot customer, why'sa can't all of 'em be as keend as you, Mr. 'Diga?"

I shrug, then Doby pinches my cheeks and waddles off. Yep, I'm gonna have to see X2 in the morning. Waitasecond...I never got my info...

Gulping down the toxic late night snack, I shout for Doby to come back.

"Ah, yesh, ish there any'ting else I con do fo' you, Mr. 'Diggor?"

"Uh...yeah, Doby, I need my info."

"Och, ja, you needed dat, 'tin't 'cho?"

Holy-How in the hell can anyone blend o many accents at once? "Wha? Oh, yeah, yeah? Look, I'm investigating a possible kidnapping, have you seen anyone looking like this?" I show him a picture of the tyke.

"Ah! Si! Si! I have! Boy! C'mout here!"

Could it really be as simple as the kid being here? Wow, I do have good luck.

"This boy be de one 'o lookin' fo', he looked exac'he the alike! Ah, here he come now!"

And out comes this tall, greasy, brown-haired, unshaven, sleazy looking adult with no teeth whatsoever. "'Te? Dey look'a exactly de same!"

Did I mention this is gonna be a long night?

12:49 AM

After no real help from Doby, I strike into the plaza to see if I can pick up any traces of the kid myself. Although, if it truely is some type of underground kidnapping ring (alright, alright "Subtereanian person-forced removal oval" for you damned PC types...), then I've got to go undercover, I've got to become someone they'd never expect...

"Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!"

"You ain't Santa!"

Bratty little kid, why I oughta...

"Why, sure I am, little boy!"

"No yer not! Santa doesn't smell like cat barf!"

That's it...

Leaning in close, I give the punk a thrill. "Alright kid, I'll level, Santa doesn't exist. He was really made up by parents to scare little children, he's made up, just like the Boogeyman, and the monsters under your bed, and Michael Jackson-"

"Hey, Santa, let's speed things up!" the local store clerk yells. I could tell you five good places to stick that watch of yours, buddy...

Suddenly, I feel a sharp, painful tug on the morphed beard. "Ow! You little snot-nosed runt, why I oughta straighten you out right here and-"

Then I get a good look at the kid. Red hair, freckles, toothy-grin with some teeth missing, it's the kid! "Hey, wait a minute, you're not really Santa Claus!"

"Haha! You're right, Fredrick, I'm really the ship's private investigator send by your mother to bring you home!" Grabbing the kid, I haul ass towards his apartment. Little did I realize the resourscefulness of this little match-head...

"Help! Stranger! He's kidnapping me! Help! He sexually assulted me!"

Suddenly, I find myself surrounded by the entire shopping populous...Oh boy I'm screwed.

"Ho...ho...ho?"

1:20 AM

After regaining consciousness, I pulled my blugoned body out from the dumpster from which I was disposed in by the mob of angry shoppers. I go back to my normal duds and try the search again. After asking around as to where the kid went, I was directed towards the C deck.

Only what I didn't realize was, it was the sewage refinement center of the entire ship. Uck, I hate sewers...did I happen to mention that this was gonna be a long night?

1:35 AM
C Deck
Sewage treatment system

Alright, it's official, my life sucks. Do you have any idea what's down here? I swear I saw an aligator, I swear it...

"Here little Fredrick, c'mout c'mout wherever you are you little twirp..."

As I turn a corner, I spot something that'll change my life forever.

I can't say for sure what it was, all I can tell you it was about a foot and a half tall, it had these big bright eyes, some trippy imp/gnome thingy, and we just stood there, looking, starring at each other, not saying a word...

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

It's about this time that I turned tail and ran the hell out of there. Whatever that thing was, it was one freaky chicky.

The one thing I forgot to do, though, was pay any attention to where the hell I was running. The next thing I know, there's no ground under me, then I was incredibly wet.

As I broke the surface (and avoided a couple ufos, unitdentifed floating objects), my cloak was drenched, sewer water running down my face, I was not a happy camper. Spitting a stream of water out of my mouth, I respond the only way I know best:

"This is going to be a long day, I can just tell..."

Then I hear this gutbusting laugh. Well, I shoulda known, it's Fred-prick.

"Kid, get your sorry ass down here!"

"Go blow that floating chuck, mister!"

Yep, he's on the list, he's soooo on the list. I find myself leaping out of the water and running the kid down, and holy shit, can this runt run.

"Guh...slow down...you...you little mutant freak..." I manage to pant out before collapsing on the walkway.

The kid walks over to me and checks on me. Gee, he might actually care...then he kicks me in the head. Yep, snot-nosed little runt's gonna get a whuppin'.

He goes to kick me again, but this time I grab his foot.

"What? No! Leggo you smelly creep! I wanna see Santa!"

"You wanna...wha?"

"I want to see Santa, Santa's s'pose to be able to deliver presents anywhere, an', an' if I can keep him runnin' around s'more, maybe he'll give me better presents then my mommy and that crummy 24 karrot gold diamond-encrusted watch!"

"..."

2:42 AM
Client's apartment
Section 17-A, Sub-division 9

After stuffing the kid under my arm, and tramping through several floors and decks dripping wet, having him bite, kick, claw, and scratch at me, smelling like a sewer, recieving points, stares, and snickering from the people on board, and mumbling to myself the entire way, I finally arrive at the client's apartment.

"Fredrick! My darling little Fred-My WORD! You smell like a sewer!"

Well duh, lady.

"You're getting a bath, little mister."

"A bath? Mummy, no! I don't want a bath, I'll disentergrate! NOOOO!"

Yeah, take that you little spoiled punk...

"Thank you so much, Mr. Gravedigger! Your check'll be in the mail!"

"But I-"

And the door shut on my face. Too bad no one told her that the mail service's off for the holidays. Well, c'est levie or some shit. Case closed, dad gummit.

Just as I'm about to leave, the door opens.

"One more thing, Mister Gravedigger."

"Yes?"

"Could you take out my garbage quick? Thank you lots, merry Christmas!"

"..."

3:24 AM
Vagabonds' shopping Plaza
Deck 37, Floor 6

Personal log

"CLOSED! NOOOOOOOO!" I pound and scream on the shop's window, as they're now closed. Maybe I shouldn't have stopped off to file that paper work...

Just my lousy luck, though, I take a human interest case on Christmas Eve, I end up missing my Christmas shopping. Guess Snipe'll have to go without those sock garters until his birthday.

In resignation, I whap my forehead against the glass...until I accidentally break it. Shit, there's the alarms, better hightail it.

See folks? This is what happens when you wait 'till the last minute.

4: Something or other...
Crew Quarters
Deck 11, Section 2
Gravedigger's/DeathStar's/Gazer's/Snipe's/Some flying lizard's room

After hiding out elsewhere on the ship for awhile to make sure the securty crew doesn't arrest me, I decide to head back my room.

As I walk in, I can see Snipe's nose scrunch up in his sleep, I smell like a carp in a garbage dump. A shower would be ideal right about now, buutt I'm way too tired, so screw that jazz. Yep, goin' to bed in style.

Not even bothering to change out of my sewer-rank attire, I flop on the bed and close my eyes. Yep, maybe the rest of the day'll go better, maybe...just need some sleep...yep.....sleep....

"BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"

My eyes break wide open at the clock just before I get medevil on its ass. Yep, this is gonna be a long day...